


You Don’t Deserve This

by sensitive_shark



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Biting, Comfort, F/M, Reader Insert, Scratching, Self-Harm, Self-harming, biting as self-harm, reader - Freeform, scratching as self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-08 04:34:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14097321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sensitive_shark/pseuds/sensitive_shark
Summary: Gabriel comforts you when you think you don’t deserve the good things in life.





	You Don’t Deserve This

**Author's Note:**

> This was meant as a copping mechanism for myself, but I’ll gladly take constructive critisism (as long as it is voiced nicely) and please correct me if you see mistakes, english isn’t my mother tongue.

You lay in bed, clenching your jaw while hiding like a coward in the darkness of your room. You hear Sam and Dean walk by or talk from time to time, but you don’t want them to hear you back. You very well know they’d check on you and you don’t want them or Cas or, god forbid, Gabriel to see you like that, certainly not in that state. Not when you felt so pathetic and disgusting and, most of all useless.

It was a lazy Saturday in the bunker. The day had started off well enough. They made coffee and settled down for the day. Not having any case to work at the moment, they were all doing research in the library. Dean, to your left, was brushing up on some lore about goblins while Sam and the angels, to your right, were going over some enochian texts and translating them. Suddenly, it all felt wrong; too domestic, too easy and too kind. The small noises of turning pages, of low voices and pencils working in tandem brutally filled your ears and your breath seized in your throat, making your toes curl at the same time. 

Too much. 

You didn’t deserve this, you weren’t good enough for all of them. You were a burden and you knew they were only keeping you out of pity, it had to be it. No one would want you otherwise, you were useless!

As discretely as you could, you put down the book you were currently reading and slid your hands under the table. You pushed your sleeve up a bit to unveil your wrist and you dug your nails in, dragged them on your skin until red marks marred it and bits of skin lifted. It helped, but didn’t feel like enough. 

So you pushed your sleeve back down as you stood and put on the most genuine smile you could muster up but even that felt strained.

“I’m going to my room, I feel like taking a nap”, you sounded in a fake calm and steady voice.

While Sam, Dean and Cas only nodded or hummed in acknowledgment, lost in their work, Gabriel, him, looked up.

He shot a look to the way [y/n] was holding her wrist and how his beautiful girl curved her shoulders inwards, slumping like an Igor. Worry etched itself onto his face, his eyebrows slightly drawing up.

“You alright, there, sweet cheeks?”

“Yeah, yeah”, you waved your hand dismissively. “I’m just feeling tired. I guess all the book reading at 1 a.m. caught up to me, after all”. You laughed bitterly.

He didn’t believe it one bit, but he let it slide. He’d abscond from tweedle-dee, tweedle-dum and his brother in a bit to check on her after the page they were translating was finished under the guise of a break.

“Alright! Rest well, sweets!”

With that, you turned around, walked out of the room and let your smile fall. You’d seen the worry on his face. These days, you felt that all you were good at was worrying the boys. Especially Gaby. You’d come to like him over the months, believe it or not. You didn’t want to ruin his day by worrying him.

So, yes, you felt pathetic, and evil and all of those bad things people call themselves.

The Winchesters and the angels all had gone through so much shit of their own that they’d probably understand what you’re going through, but you don’t feel like you deserve it. You feel like you need to be punished for what you can’t do and for what you do wrong. It weights on you and smacks you in the face; your solution.  
This would make the bad feeling better, you knew.

At the same time, you also knew your boys would resent you for it. They were too kind to admit you were useless and wrong. They’d be disappointed in you, but it was worth it.

As you closed the door to your bedroom, you let out a heavy sigh, surveying your surroundings a bit lethargically, and marched to the bed.

You slumped down on it before laying down comfortably, pushing your [h/c] hair out of the way.

You tentatively bit into your arm, hard enough to hurt but not enough to break the skin. Your eyes scrunched up in pain. It seemed like enough of a solution, so you did it again, and again. After three bites along your forearm, tears were rolling down your cheeks, silent sobs overtaking your attention. 

A calloused hand took hold of your wrist, making you jump in surprise. Through the tears, you recognized Gabriel and fear suddenly clouded your senses. 

He’d surely hate you now that he saw what you did to yourself, how much of a freak you were. He’d look at you and see you for what you were: broken and useless and-

“Oh, sweetheart, no...” There was pain his voice and his tone wavered, his eyes shinier than you remembered them. He took the tissue box from your bedside table and gently wiped the spit covering the indents now left on your arm before you harshly tugged your arm away

“What?” Your voice cracked, anger not aimed towards him but towards yourself seeping through your words. “It’s what I deserve, so why do you care?” 

At this point, you felt ready to explode. You didn’t deserve tenderness, especially not from him.  
Not him, with his beautiful eyes and his love of peace and sweets. Anger flared up in his traits and you braced yourself for the oncoming shitstorm.

“Don’t you dare say that. You deserve the world, not being hurt like you are”.

Well, that was not what you expected.

“But I-“

“No! Enough. I don’t know what kind of self pity or pain or whatever pushed you to do this, but it sure as hell ain’t enough to excuse this”. At this point, tears actually started coming down his cheeks, mimicking yours. “You. Deserve. The world.”

“I’m useless.”

“Far from it! You help us so much. You help ME so much, darling. And I’m not just talking about hunting.”

“What are-“

“You make me feel loved and safe. You do your best to do everything you do and you never give up, that gives us hope. We won’t give up because it’s people like you that are worth fighting for. And this” he gestured to your arm, “is not something a beautiful person like you deserves. Do you understand me?”

Gasps and sobs wracked through your body, his words provoking something in you, making your lungs burn with relief and guilt. “I’m sorry, Gabe, I-“

He wrapped his arms around your shoulders and brought your body closer, laying down with you on the bed. “Shhh, shhh, baby. It’s ok, I love you, alright? Everything is gonna be ok”.

You nuzzled your face closer to his neck and wrapped your arms around his middle. Instinctively, your angel ran a hand through your hair, humming in comfort and tightening his hold around you.

Once your cries started dying down, Gabriel conjured a wet face cloth he used to dab your tears and strain away. You looked utterly exhausted.

“Rest, you need it”, he softly said, gazing at you with eyes full of affection.

he kissed your forehead and stroked your back one last time before standing up. Before he could get very far, though, a hand shot up to grab his.

“Stay. Please”

A small few seconds of silence stood between your words and his response, giving him time to think of the best course of action.

“Well alright, but don’t blame me if I hog all the covers, ok sweets?” He almost whispered, trying to lighten the mood but not willing to break the moment.

You huffed, a small smile playing on your lips as you moved aside to give him more space.

As he got into bed, he pulled the covers over the both of you before mojo-ing you two in your pj’s.

“Sleep tight, [y/n]”. He kissed your nose, putting his arm around your waist.

“Will do, Gabe”. You said as your eyes drooped down and you let your own arm fall to his chest.

With his warmth lulling you to sleep, you closed your eyes and let yourself relax into him.

Maybe he was right, after all.


End file.
